In which I incessantly complain about the harrowing reality that is the “job search”*

Wow, let me tell you, looking for a job is not fun. No one ever promised me that the process of writing cover letters and getting recommendations from long gone managers and revising resume after resume would be fun. I just thought I should remind all of you how not fun it is. It’s a truism that no one enjoys this process. If they do, they are sociopaths, and I suggest not being there friends (unless they will write you a bomb resume). Still, I did get the impression that it might be a little, just a little, easier than it actually is. After all, I worked several jobs throughout college and until recently, I had a job that I thought I would be at for the next two years.

So here I am living back at home, with no job, a bunch of insubstantial goals, and a brief moment of clarity before the inevitable darkness that is unemployment once again envelopes me. It follows that I share a few thoughts of my “job search” experience. It’s not over, so who knows? This could be an ongoing series updated weekly. Maybe there is an unsaturated market niche that I can tap into and make a buck or two?

  • When faced with unemployment, many college graduates seem to prefer financial decay over returning to their high school jobs at Hershey Park. I feel that, but I also feel the lightness that is my wallet. Such is my current dilemma.
  • At what point in my life do I get to go by Mr. Umberger in a non-demeaning sense? This really has nothing to do with the theme of this post, but for some reason I kept hearing Agent Smith from The Matrix say my name real demeaning-like as I typed this up.
  • There is a huge discrepancy between looking for a job and actually searching for a job. Looking entails the behavior that is glancing at “We’re Hiring” signs when walking out of your local Starbucks. Searching is the soul-crushing, demoralizing reality that every where you want to work expects at least two years of prior experience leading the known free world.
  • Seriously, why does every job, even self-proclaimed entry level jobs, think someone with a master’s degree who can speak three languages and has worked at a major global corporation would want to suddenly start over? Take me, the pliable and the desperate!
  • I thoroughly hate job search websites. It is a never-ending list of possible jobs that I am always over qualified or under qualified for, with a surprising lack of jobs that I could actually get.
  • Talking to friends and family that have a job or career just makes you sad and feel completely underwhelmed with where you are at in life. My advice is to stop talking to people in general and make friends with those inner voices.
  • Getting a job with a liberal arts background was never realistic, and I should have stuck with all those science and math kids in high school when I had the chance. Once upon a time, I got a 5 on my AP Calc exam.
  • There is not enough time in the day to do everything I want, so the job search naturally takes a back seat to catching up on “How to Get Away with Murder” and eating my weight in those crunchy potato sticks my dad buys.
  • Alcohol is socially acceptable when you are employed, but the minute you are not employed it suddenly turns into a problem (no mom, I am not an alcoholic).
  • In the end, if by some miracle and my right testicle, that I do get a job I will be blind from the number of hours I spent staring at my computer screen in the dark scrolling through the lives of more successful people like celebrities and my sister.

On the bright side of the job search, though, is that five years from now you might have a comfy chair with lumbar support!

Keep on keeping on,


P.S. I am also currently looking for apartments (cough, hint hint), and I hate it. Even the apartment the size of a broom closet requires a year of indentured servitude and proof of employment…

*This in no way should suggest that I will not enjoy the eventuality of getting a job. If I have to go through a couple of weeks, months even, of the job search in order to get a job it will have all been worth it, even the crying in the shower.


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